DOKAN 6/Dokan 06.iso/Webs/128.120.24.39/tidbits/er.txt

Text File | 1998-09-05 | 6KB | 126 lines

Just a few stories from our nations Emergency
Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction.


A 28-year old male was brought into the ER
after an attempted suicide.  The man had swallowed several
nitroglycerin pills and fifth of vodka.  When asked about the bruises
about his head and chest he said that they were from him
ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the
nitroglycerin explode.


A 50-year old woman came into the ER with
a complaint of mild abdominal pain.  During a pelvic exam the
doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by
piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut.  Unable
to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn
into a baby.


A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit
on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER.  The
urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be
recovered and if it was in good condition.  The police were
dispatched to the man's house and the search was on.  During the search one
of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle
that was sitting in the corner.  After a brief fight the officer was able to
retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth.  After
inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would
need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The
officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical
assistance.


A woman with shortness of breath and who
weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by
six firemen.  While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler
fell out of one of the folds under her arm.  After an X-ray
showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast
was lifted to find a shiny new dime.  And last but not least
during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the
folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".


A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was
rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the
process of giving birth.  Wanting to tell the woman to push he
started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother
started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained.  What
the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!)  Instead
he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"


A 40-year old man and his wife were playing
with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his
rectum.  Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for
some assistance.  All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly
and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out.  On his
way out one of the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon.
Were having a Butt-luck supper".  (How embarrassing is that!)


An unconscious 36-year old male was
brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures.  As a nurse pulled
back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the
urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell
out of the foreskin fold.  When the man woke up and demanded
to leave, the nurse gave him  back his belongings and told him where
she had found the money.  His  response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"


An elderly woman came into the ER
complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting).  A pelvic
exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing
out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a
mass in her vaginal vault.  It was easily removed and looked very
much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato.  The patient said that
her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there
to hold it up" and then forgot about it.


The most nonemergent ER visit:  A male
adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.


A young female came to the ER with lower
abdominal pain.  During the exam and questioning the female denied
being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway
and it came back positive.  The doctor went back to the young
female's room.

Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back
positive.  Are you sure you're not sexually active?"

Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."

Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"

Patient: "No. Who?"


A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac
arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.  After about thirty
minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was
pronounced dead.  The doctor  went to tell the lady's 78-year old
daughter that her mother didn't  make it.  "Didn't make it?
Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes
ago!"


A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher
with his mother sitting next to him.  The boy was coming down
from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into
his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends.
Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was
anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS.
The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been
_ucking the dog?"


A 19-year old female was asked why she was
in the ER.  She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex
and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her
fingers.  "I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit
but couldn't vomit it up either."